Assent
Comments 68

Ripples in Time

Rose is trapped inside a coma trying to rationalise her existence; outside her world ticks by. Which of three doors is the way out and which will leave her lost forever?

Excerpt Chapter 16

“Stop it,” she said to nobody in particular.

Maybe herself or loud enough for the tower to say something back. Talking to yourself, her mum used to say, was a sure sign of madness. Rose half smiled, does that apply to locked in and only having yourself to talk to?

Not true drifted back, the door of insanity has loads of cups to drink from.

Poe’s raven threatened to come back as her eyes touched the door again. The note was still clutched in her left hand.

Beyond the screen to the right somebody continued their vigil. Sporadic quivering gasps suggested another wielding tissues. Rose thought back to her Dad. The last fall he made at home. One of those do you ever know when you’ve done something for the final time moments?

She’d visited the hospital later that evening and sat by a machine that watched over the expiring signs of life. No resuscitation notice served. He was asleep when she arrived. Her mum was leaving a consulting room when their eyes met and a near invisible shake of the head said everything. He’s been awake for the last time, left the house for the last time, travelled in an ambulance, eaten, drunk, laughed, cried; all for the last time.

The gentle shake of her mum’s head said all that, and one more thing. The most important of all. Rose had not said goodbye knowing it was the final one. Time had run out so she just sat on the edge of a bed listening to a machine bleep with a box of tissues unable to say anything. She made a noise though, between the quiet stream of tears. The raggedy intake of breath not quite under control.

That was the sound outside now. The haunting elegy of someone’s lonely vigil waiting for the machines to alarm and flat-line. No resuscitation order.

Is that what’s in my notes too? Leave her to die, give up, can’t be bothered?

 

© G Jefferies and Fictionisfood, 2016. All rights reserved.

This entry was posted in: Assent

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Former research scientist the became the primary stay at home Dad for two children. Writing has always been factual in the previous life but always had a fascination with fiction but never been brave enough to develop it further. A comfort zone thing. Science writing is familiar, fiction is not. Hopefully the blog will provide more confidence and lead to a change in career writing from home around children!

68 Comments

  1. Heartbreaking Gary! The idea of having your “last moments” is just so terribly sad. Very well written.

    • I know Hayley; in places this was hard to write and keep a level emotive state. I look around and often think about things like that. Friends suffering, parents that passed away in unfortunate circumstances; even little things like moving house when you leave a room for the last time. Not sure why, but it’s like looking into ones own future because like it or not, it will happen. I guess that’s where the sadness touches us? Thank yo so much x

        • Crumbs; you would so like Ade from my other book too. He’s in tune with this stuff too and he’s still at school!! But yes, there is a haunting edge when you think about what’s in store down the line. You just moved this to psychological horror now !!

            • I rather think so, although..shhh…I like Ade’s GF better. Goth girl and rather cool with it 😊 Their meeting up scene is on here somewhere thinking about it!

  2. Very powerful, Gary. I found myself with a pit in my tummy. I think the words, “being drawn in” come to mind. You are a fantastic writer. More, more!! Cher xo

    • My apologies for the delay; weekend, sun and reclaiming a garden!! Thank you so much for that. Rose is someone I enjoyed writing about; very tough in places and lighter in others. I tried to make her feel “real”. I’m putting another very short excerpt up next week too. Hoping to get this published soon x

      • Ah, bless! No need for any apologies my dear! I am really looking forward to reading more. She most definitely feels real, Gary! And published soon: Yeay!!! Cher xo

        • No pressure now then !! I may well reblog some of my writing as most will not have seen it as at present my blog roll is like a timeline that drips everything of the bottom. I have a new theme to deploy at some point that should make it far easier to navigate and read 😊

            • I’ll put them up on the FB group. Some have appeared on there before, but you may well have missed them. Well, apart from Rose. That was new on there and quite nerve wracking given its my actual book book x

              • Ah, bless! I may have missed them, Gary. I’m so sorry about that. Yes, apart from Rose! Exciting though, your book!!! Cher xo

                • No need to apologise! There’s so many posts in the group now it’s hard to read all of them; well, hard to read half of them in reality! I will be reposting them though as I need to get my writing exposed a bit more! Thanks for taking the time to comment and more thanks for the positive support 😊

  3. Oh my, this little snippet is wonderful, I want to read so much more. Did you say this is from your book which is about to be published?

  4. Thank you so much for sharing this excerpt. It was haunting and reflective and most of all, tantalizing to this hungry reader curious to know more…

    • Sorry about the delay Gabe; busy weekend!! Many thanks for those kind words. Its a case of I’m told I can write a bit, but my own psyche is still nervous of putting things out there. I have another short excerpt going up next week from the same book; which is past proofing now and about to embark on a publishing search 🙂

  5. Ugh! The bookend of the, “raggedy intake of breath” she made with her dad now happening at her bedside… right in the feels, man! If this is a taste of the finished product, I can’t wait for it to be back from the proofreader! Oh, and hurry for finding something of yours I haven’t read yet! *grin*

    • Shhh, but it is back from the proof reader… I’m just struggling deciding what to do with it lol

      Thank you dear Lady; once again for such kind words of encouragement 🙂

        • I have been building on lists and scheduling as part of my get doing, rather than looking at everything and overwhelming! June is where writing starts to get onto said lists! So far my beta readers have enjoyed this one lol

    • The bit you don’t see here is double edged. Not only is Rose remembering her Dad, but she too has people outside of where she is (coma) thinking the same about her. This book is a very mixed bag in terms of a mind struggling in depression to find a way out. Looking back over my posts I found a couple of extracts I might repost in the group. Thank you so much Esme x

        • No rush; I may well post the others in the group. I’m in the process of updating them a bit at the moment 🙂

            • It’s quite a trip into a journey through depression as a result of her past. Touches on another book I wrote too; especially while Rose is in the coma. I have another short excerpt I re-found on here that I will put up next time 🙂

    • Thanks Ritu; this ones finished and is the one I’m considering publishing. Love using psychological emotion inside characters too. Not sure that pops into the blog series as such. Maybe Wayland in Dragon Stone a bit too 🙂

    • Thank you 😊 This is part of my book, the one that’s coming back from a proofer very soon! Also the one that makes me very nervous and zombie minded 😱

  6. Pingback: Gratitude in Kindness | Fiction is Food

  7. So, she watched her dad die in a coma, now she’s in a coma??
    Very sad! not scary, except that it’s scary to think of being trapped inside your body and not able to communicate. Much more sad and poignant than scary. So, only a 1 on the scary scale.
    You know how to wrench the emotions, Gary!!

    • He was in the end game of prostrate cancer…she is actually in a coma yes. This ones more psychological in nature. But it’s not a light read methinks

      • Ok, thanks for explaining. I have a lot of “why”s. Anyone else smell croissants??? Definitely psychological. Not easy at all. Brings up all sorts of thoughts of my own mortality. Which is drawing closer, since I’m over the hill now!

        • My viewpoint has always been if in doubt…ask…tis how one learns new things 😊
          But yes…mortality thoughts are not alien to me…I’ve lost a fair few family and friends cut short before their time. I use experiences and what I feel as the sources for mind explorations…over the hill is relative too….while you breathe you live so onwards and upwards kind of thing 🤔

          • I’ve always been nosy, ahem, curious!
            I’m sorry to hear about your family and friends’ losses.
            True, age is relative. But I’m not in any shape to be marching up anything anymore! lol

            • I try not to dwell on the losses anymore…it’s not productive or conducive to anything but imbalance I find….and far be it for me to admit to marching anywhere too….although I did do some gardening 🤔

              • Yeah, like you say, onwards and upwards- at least in out thoughts, if not in our legs! lol
                Gardening’s good! I have such a small lot, it’s not a far walk at ALL!!

                • That’s why I write fiction…I can go anywhere without moving 😁

                  Although gardening pottering is good too…very therapeutic unless it’s really raining, or sweltering hot…very Goldilocks approach that 🤔

                  • Hey, maybe I need to take up fiction, then? The Dr told me I need to start exercising more!
                    Yeah, I don’t get much pottering done, because summer in Fl is by definition, sweltering hot rain.

                    • Oh my…yes….you can travel anywhere for free…went into space once that way 😇

                    • Not yet…I’ve not written about space…touched on it in The God Strain but not developed that further….although astrobiology is well fascinating in fiction 🙃

                    • 😉 I’m sure it is! But now, I have another caveat for you- warn me when m@t_ is coming! It’s even scarier to me than just about anything!!

      • Yes, very psychological! One always wonders what goes on in the mind of someone in a coma.

        • I have tagged this as psychological thriller; but it crosses genres I think. The coma part was a fascinating thing to write about. It allowed me to explore the “locked in” dynamic (inspired by my mum who had MND). Rose can hear the outside world, but can’t interact with it. It’s written from her perspective entirely.

  8. It hurt my heart to read your beautiful words….just brilliantly done…the “logistics” (paragraphs, occasional typos) are easily over-looked…you write so beautifully and it reads as though from a woman’s perspective…very admirable…you have a real gift…thanks for sharing 🙂

    • Crumbs I think that’s about the best thing you could say re from a woman’s perspective. The entire book is focussed on the world from her perspective. I am real worried about that. Agreed about the grammatical nuances. I am proofing and editing this book now so all the pieces in here are extracts from the raw first draft. I really ought to edit these posts as I reach them in the book. Bit sloppy that really. I think you just pursuaded me to blog more 😊

      • To my mind, nothing is lost because, being a lover of reading, I can see beyond the superficial stuff…that is where editing comes in…but, the beauty of your writing comes through effortlessly…I don’t know if everyone can get past it without making a point of pointing it out, but I hope that doesn’t dampen your confidence…you are very gifted, no doubt about it.:)

        • I’m actually ok with feedback good or bad. It’s unqualified feedback that mugs me. The ok you like it but why? Or ok you don’t but why? Those are the bits I can work with to improve things. I think that draws from my personal belief that it’s not for me to judge my writing but readers. Obviously I think it’s rubbish lol

          • It is so brave of you to think it’s rubbish and to keep going…that must be because you soul knows something your head doesn’t….believe me, your writing is fantastic and sensitive and paints vivid images that draw the reader in…

            • Not brave at all…it’s an auto defence in case it really is rubbish !!! Although it a terrible position to hold during editing. It creates huge motivation issues which is why blog space is important. Feedback gives the catastrophising mind a reason to go on so thank you for your comments. I do it for readers too. I can’t just write for me. The readers keep me going. The two that gave read all of my book I owe a lot to because it takes time to do that. Wish I had more because close friends and family can skew feedback out of not wanting to hurt feelings. Also my genre is possibly not everyone’s taste !

  9. Hi,
    I met you in the Community Pool. I help bloggers. Click my link. If you are interested, I’d love to be of assistance if you need.
    Janice

    • Hi Janice, thanks for that. I’ll get in touch shortly. Busy few days ahead but as far as blogging the right way goes I need all the help I can get !!!

  10. That’s heartbreaking. Not being able to say a proper goodbye. It’s the fate of so many of us. We lose the unloseable, and we can only sit vigil and then sit shiva, never able to say that one last proper ‘goodbye’.

    PS: might have been a bit easier to read had you used…. paragraphs. Still, it was very powerful.

    Blue

    • Thanks Blue, a great deal of this book is autobiographical in content but, obviously, through the eyes of a female character. Makes it tough to decide if I’ve got that part right from my perspective. No doubt readers will bemoan it if I haven’t! Re paragraphs; will be fine tuning more once I return to the word processor. Still have about 70 pages to ponder through but hopefully done by Wednesday. Thanks for the feedback though. Massively appreciated 🙂

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